February 25, 2009

The kiddos are having a good day so far. Jason and I went for an earlier visit today and had some kangaroo time with the twins. Jason held Jenna tonight and talked to her almost the whole time. She always does so very well while being held and snuggled. Blake and I had a nice snuggle time too, although after a bit he started desatting a bit so it was time to return to his bed. While I held him I kept thinking about how big he is getting. From the outside, I'm sure that sounds so strange.....a baby who hasn't reached 3lbs yet and his momma saying he's big-haha. But really from what growth we've seen since he was a tiny tiny body at birth until now is amazing. He weighed in lastnight at 2 lbs 12 ounces. I changed Jenna's diaper today and it is actually time for her to graduate into bigger diapers too.

I watched "The Baby Story" today and afterwards felt a little sad and found myself shedding some tears (although the tear shedding is nothing new while watching that show). I was sad due to the fact that I don't like my associating the birth of my babies with fear, distress, uncertainty and sadness but I am afraid that is the case. Jason and I felt all of these things so intensely due to the nature of the early emergency c-section. We didn't feel the elation of happiness and overwhelming joy that parents are supposed to feel when their little ones finally make their appearance. No proud tears, only fear induced tears and heart breaking sadness that came with not knowing if they would live through the first week. I want to look back and feel happiness when I think of their birth. I thought and thought about this and tried to come up with a way to replace those unhappy and worrisome thoughts with those normally associated with your first child's birth. I simply cannot do so. I don't know how that feels or what that truly even looks like. However, what I can do is look into my angels' eyes and feel so very proud of them for being strong and having the will and desire to stay with us. I can speak to them, see them respond to our voices and cry "proud" tears, that they have made it so far since their birth. I can look at my husband holding our babies and feel an elation of happiness that our family is finally complete. And most of all, I can remember my childrens' birthdate as one of the most challenging experiences I have been faced with and know that I can face tomorrow with great joy knowing that I have my husband and children to share my life with. I will look back at the birth of my babies and be grateful that I was given the opportunity to carry them as long as I safely could and know that they are now in the best hands until they can come home with mommy and daddy, when we will no longer need to be apart.

Journaling again........every few days I experience some overwhelming feelings and some that I have a challenge working through. I strive to find the blessings that each one can lend if I just look hard enough. Sometimes easy...sometimes very very difficult. Regardless, I know in my heart that with the support of my family and friends, as I face this unique experience, I feel comfort in knowing that we will be just fine. I can't wait to share our home with them.